Let me stop pin pointing...

Well to be more clearer now my mind it does...
Maybe its because last night i had 7 hour sleep...so...

Hmm if time were to let me go back i would just turn 3 days back to go and slap (that time eh me)
Ask "me" to wake up!!
Learning from this lesson i can see if wana go with fault finding...
Both of us also got mistakes made...
But my attitude i never want to blame any1...

So stop pin pointing... its true at that moment when i lost my mind..
The thought of blaming on u did came out...
I bet u also got several times of that in your life...

Its the 1st time actually to be culculated... because that time i angry because of the mistake you made at your work...
but back to me... if i were to claim my EQ = 138
I should be able to handle it...
Emotion really is the main killer in relationship...

I'd told her to think twice b4 doing anything...
But did i think twice when i lose my mind?
NOPE... the answer is no...
I know now that she'll never forgive me... because to her... its my 2nd mistake...
Which is a DIE straight sentence...

I know that she'll be able to find a better person to be with her in the future..
Better then me 100 times should not be a problem..

Kinda felt like i am a jerk...
Hmmm well learn from mistake and keep get going on my life..
Its my MOTO right?

Well then dint know why still love her so deeply...
After hurting her making me felt guilty(her so called once again)

Well all i can say is that i will never step into BLOGGING again...
Its one of a source for me to type without thinking..
I'll just stop and this will be my last post... thanks

† Man Zai †

† Well its not the way i wanted but its wat she wanted †

I've been staying up holding all the hurts that she've created..
FInally it burst like a balloon...

I am too tired... lack of rest... sommore work load tons of it...
I wana die...
some times i do hope that god will just take me away just like that...
Rather then putting me here.. loving a person who wont appreciate...
Caring her with all the extraordinary mind of her working...
i dont know weather caring for her is the right thing to do anymore...

I am tired...
Tired of my life...
Tired of me...
Tired of me for being so stupid to make the wrong move...
Tired of falling in love with a person who will never appreciate what love is...
Tired...

I still want to work out a finance for my family and my loved ones...
Still although all of this accured i still love her..
Dumb aint i?
fine watever the feeling of my heart shouting and my mind is telling...
I dont want to think anymore..
Since she dont want it...
I'd told her b4 i will never force the 1 that i love..
She don wan i'll just take away until she wants it then only see..
See how it goes in the future....

I'm tired of love...
Although love to me is something very important in my life..
Its one of my motive that makes me move further...

Its also an ingredient of hurt...
Being tired all truely...even if she dislikes me...
I just hope that she'll pick up her phone... sms me 1 word...
The word that will motivate me.. but seems like
She'll just ignore me for the rest of my life..

Somehow i'm glad that did happen u see?
Well once she'd let go of me... she'll be free...
Free from her so called burden(which is only the burden she created for herself)
Totally able to focus on what she "wanted consciously" and discarding all those "unconscious wants"

Although in the end... still i will be the 1 who will suffer the pain...
She also will but maybe lesser than what i am facing now...
Or maybe she dint suffer at all just got mad of what i've told her..

Time flies... i've only slept 3 hours in 48 hour time basis..
Going to collapse soon..

For now the 1st day i wanted to be alone...
But luckly still my K bro's and K sis's all still support me... not only them...
All my friends are still there for me...

Dint know why until now i still LOVE her...
Diao diok liao la...
nvm nvm just let it be...
Like she'd always mumble time heals...
In fact"Time let us to addapt to what we are facing"
i'll get use to it soon...
Soon enough...
Eventhough if i am waiting her...
Eventhough if i love her and wanted to wait her...
Do i really worth to let her torture?
or in anotherway to say...
Why did she torture someone she once cared the most?(for atleast afew weeks)
hmmm girls... i do understand them now...
I understand them because they will never being able to choose to listen either to their heart or to their mind...

Fine... EMO-ing person is like that 1...
I wont go and bother anymore(i hope i say here i really can make it) coz
All the time even when i said i wont care...
I still am worried about her....

Is this love?
not a question to be answered anymore i guess...
Lets get some rest tomorrow is another HUGE event day...
PS: Jes arh i'll be as busy as u are...so atleast i wont keep on making u "sneeze"(thinking of you)
And i remember my class is as such (SUNDAY 1st Nov) 12pm to 2.30pm BM i must do homework which now i have no time to do...
I will find maybe friday to finish it up or saturday night....
Last but most least... I miss you .....
Stupid eyes just stop shedding those tears... I've gotten use to all this pain aint i?


† Man Zai †

† Trying to get an ordinary love while fighting for an extraordinary income †

Well all i wanted and i am still praying for...
I thank god for giving me such a great lover...
She's special, kind, and most important she's the one that i fell for...

For now its been sometimes since I've tried to avoid her or is it she's been avoiding me...
I don't know..
But then i just hope that;
My love will be like both loving each other..
Thinking of another when we are tired or doing nothing..
Or just simply loving them with the heart of prepared to help them anytime?

Maybe i am stubborn but I guess the way i keep on telling her i love her have cause her alot of burden...
Actually after 1 night of thinking I've realized...
Even if i loved her its not necessary to tell her...
By telling her will only making her think more...
The burden she once told me will hold her back more...

So... for now... i can't let go of this love..
I don't know how long i can hold it but.. at least after her birthday i hope..
Its quite tiring to love a person when they dint want you to love...
But then i can say should be the last 1 ady bah..
If she'd accept me before i give up,
Then we might just go on in the future..
If she'd rejected on the day she fell in love with another guy then...
I'll just wait until another (one of the 200k person)to pass by...this time..
I will CONFIRM (where i wont put any feelings in 1st) not like i am with current one...
Then until confirm she want 4ever kinda stuff where we want to settle down no more fooling around..
That's what i wanted bah... simple easy and lovely.. which will last at least until i die?

For now i will focus on my career building bah...
Need to attend more and more appointments...working hard
Although hoped to have a person behind me providing some moral support..
A simple voice of the loved ones shall bring tons of energy to me i guess..

Although frankly to tell when u cant be with your loved ones...
Or being rejected is kinda hurt but... i guess
I've got used to it already...
The heart full of scars...
The love which once empty now filled..
Which is also one of my false move i guess..

But is loving a person a wrong thing to do?(Excellent question but who to answer?)
I was once told...
"Everyone in this world deserve the love inside your heart" what does that mean?
I got the meaning when i started to change myself...
Treating everyone similar to others...
The word i understand is that not only the 1 i fell for deserve all my love...
Even my friends and family should deserve them too..

We cant love if we keep on judging right? We cant learn if we don't make mistake...
All of these feelings is just something inside me...
In order to master it...
The changes which i once feared of...
Lots of books helped me on self development...
Thanks to all the authors...

My target is to make my group repeating sales within 4 months time where it allows me to...
earn RM5k per months...constantly...
Then will go for 20k after that per month... slowly increase..

Hit it then i will enjoy for awhile...
BALI Island HERE I COME!!!!!!!!
STAR WALK i will be there...
Penang Bridge RUN WA LAI LIAO!!
ALL CHIONG ARH!!!!!!!!
Nearly forgotten... Mr Kim's work i am coming also...

† Man Zai †

† Unconciously became a burden to somebody important †

Its been few months since i've decided not to give up..
But now the love that i once hold on tight have became a burden to the person..
The person whom i treated as important as my own life...
Now... knowing that the burden i've been for her all this while..
The heart pains...
The feeling of being your love'd one's burden...
This truely sucks..
Shall i give up? or i should hold on the love i have for her..
Because i still do love her... deeply..

All the thinking end up to me is that...
If I'd question GOD... I might ask...
Why do GOD give me the ability to foresee all types of possible future?
Why do GOD give me the ability to be able to connect to the spirit world?
If i were without these ability... wont she be more comfortable when she's with me?
I guess its not just that bah..

Including now her list in her mind is career & studies...
no more love.. well i respect that bah..
Allow me to reduce all types of burden that i've been creating for her then..
Its the most least i can do for her..
1stly she never accepts any helps..
She's face all types of hardship by herself..
She's been in the market now...
She can choose what type of guys she likes now..coz her price aint low..
I just cant hold her too tight then.. let her choose..
Respect her choice...
I know the chances of choosing me if i do so will be 0.000000001% but..
Should be worth while doing...
Being able to help her to reach the ladder of success..
Any type of sacrifices will be perfectly ok...
Still i hope she'll be with me in the future.... thats all i can say for now...

Since the decision being made...
I've successfully made her ignore me d..
I'll just let it be...
By making her ignoring me should be able to reduce alot of burden ady bah..
Hehe a capricorn really is able to make everything work according to his plan...
But then at the same time... My heart aches...
Dint know why... maybe if i do so... i'll lose her in the future..
Well its her choice not mine.
She already voice up she want to be free...
I'll give her freedom alright...
I'll just be there doing nothing..
With this no more burden, she can focus more yet, she's being able to be free...
Suits her right?

The hurt that i am facing... i've faced them b4...
No big deal... just another failure i suppose?
But then why is that everytime i'd love someone truely...
GOD will just create so much barriers for me to face?
To give me a test on my love life?
TO make our bonds together much more stronger?
Or.. just simply dint want me to fall in love?

PS: Its an answer that i will get after i die bah... hehe

Atleast for now... lets do my best to reduce every possible burden that once i've cause her to have in the past...

† Man Zai †

† How i hope you were there †

2 days already i'm in this pain and agony...
The problems and issues due to my failure of judging one person had caused me..
How i hope that you are right behind me holding me tight and say...
"Everything will be fine, I'll be right here supporting you"
"Must jia you owh...hehe" add on with a smile...

My brain nearly cracked due to the thinking of how to solve all this problem that i am facing.
Then unconsciously I've come through this which i should have not...
=.= why did i press it when my curiosity made me to...
Its the same thing she replied to me before...
Now it seems like she's already fallen for another guy? or its just an advise from her??

I just all of the sudden i felt... I've lost her...
But some times she makes me feel that i am still in her (Choice) list...
I wanted to be her one and only name on her (Choice) list....
but...
I dont know...

1st time ever when I'm not with her i got this uncertain feeling...
But still the box i kept inside my heart the love keeps spreading out from the box..
and slowly it had already filling up my empty heart again..

I wanted to cry...i wanted to lie down with someone,
All i wanted is someplace that i can feel it is home..
It is also a feeling that I've gain when I'm with her...
and only her can give me that feeling...
Just that i cant create more pressure for her.. so better keep this down and low..
I wont voice up...
My poker face is still on when its needed so no worries..

Seems like she's facing her own growing stage from teen to adult...
I face it b4 so all i can say is i know its hard but go for it and you'll make it ya?
Support will always be given... and thanks for replying my msg "and ignored some" its ok
i know you've been busy I'll sms u seldom k?
Or maybe you've fallen for another guy i don't know...
Anyway All the best for what you're up to ya?

I'd better bring out my "Sei Chang" attitude d...
Its not her fault nor her responsible to share or feel what i am facing now..
I cant bring her down too..
Its my feelings not hers...
Its the love that i had for her.. not the love she had for me..
All of this is my problem its time to be strong to face it all by my self again..

But then just now 5pm when i reach home...
I felt like i want to collapse..
Really did happen again selective "black out" mode...
I think this issue(the issue in my work part) have been causing me too much pain
I'd better solve it as soon as possible if not it will affect me...
And the most feared part is that my emotion will just affect her...
Which is something that i wouldn't want it to happen in the future...
Well Cheer up everyone... including me...
I CAN DO IT... SO CAN YOU(referring to the girl I'd fell for)...

Cant stop doing this and kept on felt sorry because scared that it might disturb her too much...
Still thinking of her so much...up until now...

-Man Zai-

† I just dont want to interfere anymore †

Its time to stop this relationship,
Time to hypnotize myself..
We are just friends...
Very close friends like she said..
I'd really like to continue but...
i scare she cant handle it...

Lets pause here...
See how it goes in the future...
Since there are so many choice for her now i cant be that selfish...
I wanted to be but... its just not fair for her..
Let her decide...

If in the future she still want to continue it with me then...
Lets create this as a password for us...

"I Love You"

Tell me from the bottom of your heart when u want it k?
I'll hide mine away deep deep inside my heart...
Wait you owh...

But then maximum i guess will wait you for 5 more months bah...

If its a no continue then i'll just give up...
I've stand up for this relationship and its not hard at all..
I felt joy, blisfulness, relax and laughter all the time...
Thanks for those sweet memories...
I'll keep those now...
continue to hold them back until u speak up the secret password...
Promise will be kept... even if the relationship have been (de-ranked) hehe
Cheers for you Jes...

-Man Zai-

† A Lesson learned †

Well finally i found out that why she's so stressed now days...
Not only because of me disturbing her by sms-ing her..
Mr S also.. and i guess there are more...
Now its better to sms her lesser, disturb her lesser because i know..
That Mr S wont stop sms-ing her one...
She's stress enough just to reply his msg.. so..
let me reduce on disturbing her bah...
Maybe one day 1 msg in morning 1 phone call at night should do...
unless she sms's me i'll 100% reply her...

Bie arh... I know u want to keep promises..
But sometimes i will let you to do so coz it'll determine weather if u will kept promises that u made or not in the future...
This is the 1st promise u gave me and u would want to kept it...
Really appreciate it owh bie... thanks...
Thank god for giving me such a great lover who'd sacrifice so much for me...
Please protect her from any harm nor danger while i'm not around with her..
I know that she's troubled enough so better let her deal it alone...
If i'm there to disturb her, it will only create more pressure on her...

Jes arh... Jia you owh u can do it de... hehe
Next WED only meet owh... jia you ya?
I'll be right next to you when u needed me the most...
Just let me know when u really wanted a person there for you... i'll be there..

Well then just assumtion, i dint know why she left her blogger account sign in... izzit she just simply forgot to sign out? or she want to show me something?
Well i just log out for her without any second though thou... and the song... i hope she did mean something behind...
Bogoshipda...
The meaning is thinking of you...
Well bie i also am thinking of you all the time...
Worried weather what were u busying?
Are you taking good care of your health?
and some more but... i know
i know that if i'd keep on nagging u u'll get fed up of it..
Maybe will cause you to hate me or neglect me...
All i can say is i love you bie..
I Believe that you can make it...
I will just be at one small corner which u wont notice to support you all the time..

Frankly speaking i was so damned happy when u said u want to come by my place to teach me..
Morning i went out caught in the rain awhile after purchasing those eggs and some vegie...
Then, my mom phone in when i reach home said she bought lunch..=.=
I was like... aihz nvm about that
Then when she teaches, her look have been carved in my heart...
so pretty when she was smiling at me ..
My heart just melted with just that smile.. hehe

Well all i have to do now is to support her quitely...
Behind the bars where she cant see me...
Well then, lets get back to my routine then...
she wont read this ady i guess its not in her hot news...

Jesyca, my love,
Jia you owh,
I know u can do it de,
Need help i think u know who to find d bah...
And i hope the person u find is me owh...

PS: Never felt that you are disturbing me any time, anywhere, any place, because you never will k? Jia you owh!!

†Man Zai†

My mind was currupted until now...

Well i just came back to my own sense...
Jes u made me learn how to perfectly make myself feel better no matter what happen...
I've just mastered the most hardest part of my Emotion part thanks to you owh..


In my heart at 1st i was complicated by my own emotion...
Actually i still can love you...
Loving you is something that i will never regret in my life...
Maybe i just am not the right person for you...
But still loving you and being the right person is 2 different thing..
I should have not mix them together...
I love you more then you can imagine...
Well for now i will continue to love you...
Care for you...
But until the day u decide on who you want...
I will be by your side training you to be stronger...
Please let me hold your arms while u slowly walk out from the tortise shell..
Allow me to show you what i am capable of as a Capricon...

I realize one thing... from this love..
A Capricorn can either be very optimistic... or the other way round...
So why don't i just push myself in optimistic...
Smiling and spreading the love that everyone suppose to get from this capricon?
Thanks Jes...
You made me realize..
Thank you... And sorry for hurting you this 2 days...
Sorry but to say that i really loved you...

I don't know in the future who you will choose but...
At least I'll give it a try...
If i failed at least i tried my best...
Thanks for everything that you've done for me...

PS: You are making me worried today.... sorry i will take a good care of my health and the med..
I already finish them yesterday.. thanks for the remind thou..
I have grab back me my own self... now its your turn Jes...
Jia you i know you can make it... push harder... i will be right next to you...
Supporting you like your dearly brother, lovely parents...
Appreciate your love as i did along the way....
Miss you so much Jes...
Love you since that day onworts..
Hope to continue our relationship in the future if you still wanted to..
But also wish the best of luck on your search for the best person you think suits you the most..

-Man Zai-

† The pain we both are facing now... †

I know that the pain i am facing cant be compared to what you are facing now Jes...
Please do get on...
Today i might be in a blue feelings...
Totally lost myself yesterday..
EQ too high aint a good thing also...
Manage to smile the whole road down the meeting... Compressing the pain inside...
Nobody can saw anything wrong with me... what a success...
Its time, i've decide to change you Jes...
Its something that in the past i kept it because i loved you and i know...
If you have been changed...
Your thinking, Your want for another half will also change...
I will lose you if i do so...
Well its ok to do so i guess..
I cant be that selfish...

Well the pain that i am feeling now is like tearing my heart apart..
Then put salt in it and also some sugar...
After that pour in a pile of red ant to let them bite...
Should be how it felt for now i guess...

Even when i am not thinking about you jes.. the pain still goes... i'll get use to it soon i hope...
Well its a good thing that now u're relief from me..
In the future u will sure meet up with the one that u wanted to be with..
So before that happen i'll be next to you until you meet up with "him"
After that i'll leave.. should be what i can do now i guess..
At the mean time see how much things u can learn from me...

I know the pain you are facing now... as i am once the worm...
You still manage to fake a smile through the phone...
Hold your tears and the pain inside you...
I really want to thank you...
Please dont let the pain haunt you...
Like u said in tweeter... time heals...(i guess that works for you)
Then let time heal you ok?
Anyway add oil in everything in the future which i will never interfere anymore..

Hate assignments... lolx but got to do it... haha..
Forcing myself to not love the 1 that i love... 1st time doing so... hope can success..
Hehe add Oil Jes i know u can, just believe in urself then u'll make it...
Same goes to Joe...haha try our best let the god decide the rest then...

After those hours of thinking i stop but still i hope that you're there to hold me tight..
Just tell me everything is fine...
That will help alot... but its for me to handle everything now..
I cant still ask you to do things for me anymore..
The horoscope is too accurate i dint dare to post on anywhere i know...
Capricons.. If i were not a capricon how good can that be for us......

-Man Zai-

† I'll give it a try... †

Going to start pia work stop love? well if i really do i dono how hard it will be on me..
If i really do so.. well i don't know this world will consider happy or not...
Losing another bad person(huai4 Ren2) in love section of the bible...
I think its a good thing to stop for now...

Lets try to be friends.. like u said well i am not the one u pursue for...
But now I really am confuse of weather the word ILU u really meant it or not..
Maybe at that time yes... but...

Actually i dint want to skip this so let me finish what i started...
Remember that night when u wanted to say the 3 words what did i ask you?
If you dont then just leave it... if you do the reason is that once you said it...
If u mean it... Means the love will last forever...
But then it just doesn't seems to be the right time...

well then i have to go on that appointment 9pm Coffee island...
Dint know why so moody now...
But i guess its the same feeling when my ex told me....
My eyedrops just cant flow out...
Am i sick? Last time it just flow just like that when she "Touched" my heart...
now? Complicated i dont want to think but it just keep on bothering me...

Well Jesyca...lets stick with this 1st bah..
I dono suddenly change of status want to call u what le..
Capricons"also known as popcorns"...
Hah stupid thing about him being honest.. should have kept all those secrets...
But dont true relationships have 0 secrets?
Complicated again...but he know how to solve it..
Just maybe its not a time for him to solve i guess..

Skip skip skip... how i hope i can throw away all my feelings now...
Well stop being so down man... she'll be bothered if i am so..
Ok get back myself i go set my hair now better get going i dont want to be late...

Appointment "Vikie Chong" ex colleage..
Title: Loans.... methods of gaining loans
Time: 9pm
Venue: Coffee Island

Zialat dono she will scold me or not if she finds out that i forgot to take my medi today...
Took my dinner d too late to take the med...
Silly me time to go stop thinking so much...
Try to get back to single... wont be hard i guess..
heh lets treat it as probation then..or not..
GTG chiawzz

PS: The guy who is still in Love with her have decided one thing that he will do for her...
Nothing can change his mind now... He knows that if he do so...
The changes might hurt him but it will help her in the future...
Thats the only thing is left to repair all the damage which have been created by him...

-Man Zai-

† Paralyzed today..luckly still can manage to sms †

Early in the morning went to fetch my friend Kui Fen(secondary friend)
Woke up at 6.40 then went fetch her throw her at the bus stop
Then i straight went back sleep...
Hehe sorry ya? bie if my msg this morning did disturbed u le... miss u owh..

Hope bie today is doing well and gotten better from last night's incident...

Bie dont worry ya? its nothing much just something new for you to experience owh last night..
Well my body got worsen after lifting up the cupboard from outside my house to my room..
Now i am paralyzed lying down on my bed barely move...
Hope she's enjoying her time with her classmates at the afternoon maybe watching movie or shopping at a mall...

But then if not hopefully she's now working hard for her B law...
How i hope she's now next to me putting some oil on my back for me...
Dam it hurts even when i turn a little bit the pain comes..
The whole back from my chest(front) to my back and the waist there...
The leg also so bad keep on ache like aihz i dono how to describe ady...
the pain i cant describe... its paralyzing me now...

I dint told her hope she's not angry owh...
Coz i know bie u are busy today... and i didn't want bie to worry owh...
Jia you owh bie... dont worry about me hopefully after today my body will be back in shape..
Enjoy on what you are doing and jia you on what you need to put effort for ya?
Back to bed... its quite pain while i was sitting straight typing this blog...wow..
I still manage to made it hehe... Thank God...

PS: for ah bie should be saying Thanks Buddha right? hehe

-Man Zai-