Welcome Back Joel

Single life aint bad... Just its been as it was all the time...
She is the 1 made me not dare to think up front..
But then its good that now i know...
I just need to be myself..
Even if we were there for each other.. we wont mind what our mind is working..

Realizing this point for the 2nd time... Well I should have applied it man.. damn i was stubborn..
Back to topic...
For those who wanted a Job please contact me...(Company is offering pay from RM1.8k to 2.5k) But have to face with a tough hard and cold blooded interview...

Its time to let go Bro(to me la this phrase)
Its time to move on...
Its time to shine without anything dragging myself down(in my mind when i'm in a confuse mode i'd be dragged SLOWN DOWN...coz of mood Swing and the controling section is been done)
I'd stop my blogging for the sake of hers... but then i was wrong...
I'd stop myself from being myself... Haha
but did i? hehe who knows?

She's been viewing my Hi5 lately... i've found out since day 1...
But then aihz i dont know bah... maybe she really changed...
In sence of her heart...
I wonder when she said(when i love someone... i'm very loyalty to that person)... hmm how to judge her love on another person?
Who knows... maybe she knows..

Well then 21 counts... 1 Get 20 Lose.. LOL my up to date Record of Pikat girls... haha

Introducing WELLNESS CONCEPT TO EVERYONE!!!...
LETS GET HYPERED UP!!!
LETS GO GO GO!!!

† Man Zai †

Let me stop pin pointing...

Well to be more clearer now my mind it does...
Maybe its because last night i had 7 hour sleep...so...

Hmm if time were to let me go back i would just turn 3 days back to go and slap (that time eh me)
Ask "me" to wake up!!
Learning from this lesson i can see if wana go with fault finding...
Both of us also got mistakes made...
But my attitude i never want to blame any1...

So stop pin pointing... its true at that moment when i lost my mind..
The thought of blaming on u did came out...
I bet u also got several times of that in your life...

Its the 1st time actually to be culculated... because that time i angry because of the mistake you made at your work...
but back to me... if i were to claim my EQ = 138
I should be able to handle it...
Emotion really is the main killer in relationship...

I'd told her to think twice b4 doing anything...
But did i think twice when i lose my mind?
NOPE... the answer is no...
I know now that she'll never forgive me... because to her... its my 2nd mistake...
Which is a DIE straight sentence...

I know that she'll be able to find a better person to be with her in the future..
Better then me 100 times should not be a problem..

Kinda felt like i am a jerk...
Hmmm well learn from mistake and keep get going on my life..
Its my MOTO right?

Well then dint know why still love her so deeply...
After hurting her making me felt guilty(her so called once again)

Well all i can say is that i will never step into BLOGGING again...
Its one of a source for me to type without thinking..
I'll just stop and this will be my last post... thanks

† Man Zai †

† Well its not the way i wanted but its wat she wanted †

I've been staying up holding all the hurts that she've created..
FInally it burst like a balloon...

I am too tired... lack of rest... sommore work load tons of it...
I wana die...
some times i do hope that god will just take me away just like that...
Rather then putting me here.. loving a person who wont appreciate...
Caring her with all the extraordinary mind of her working...
i dont know weather caring for her is the right thing to do anymore...

I am tired...
Tired of my life...
Tired of me...
Tired of me for being so stupid to make the wrong move...
Tired of falling in love with a person who will never appreciate what love is...
Tired...

I still want to work out a finance for my family and my loved ones...
Still although all of this accured i still love her..
Dumb aint i?
fine watever the feeling of my heart shouting and my mind is telling...
I dont want to think anymore..
Since she dont want it...
I'd told her b4 i will never force the 1 that i love..
She don wan i'll just take away until she wants it then only see..
See how it goes in the future....

I'm tired of love...
Although love to me is something very important in my life..
Its one of my motive that makes me move further...

Its also an ingredient of hurt...
Being tired all truely...even if she dislikes me...
I just hope that she'll pick up her phone... sms me 1 word...
The word that will motivate me.. but seems like
She'll just ignore me for the rest of my life..

Somehow i'm glad that did happen u see?
Well once she'd let go of me... she'll be free...
Free from her so called burden(which is only the burden she created for herself)
Totally able to focus on what she "wanted consciously" and discarding all those "unconscious wants"

Although in the end... still i will be the 1 who will suffer the pain...
She also will but maybe lesser than what i am facing now...
Or maybe she dint suffer at all just got mad of what i've told her..

Time flies... i've only slept 3 hours in 48 hour time basis..
Going to collapse soon..

For now the 1st day i wanted to be alone...
But luckly still my K bro's and K sis's all still support me... not only them...
All my friends are still there for me...

Dint know why until now i still LOVE her...
Diao diok liao la...
nvm nvm just let it be...
Like she'd always mumble time heals...
In fact"Time let us to addapt to what we are facing"
i'll get use to it soon...
Soon enough...
Eventhough if i am waiting her...
Eventhough if i love her and wanted to wait her...
Do i really worth to let her torture?
or in anotherway to say...
Why did she torture someone she once cared the most?(for atleast afew weeks)
hmmm girls... i do understand them now...
I understand them because they will never being able to choose to listen either to their heart or to their mind...

Fine... EMO-ing person is like that 1...
I wont go and bother anymore(i hope i say here i really can make it) coz
All the time even when i said i wont care...
I still am worried about her....

Is this love?
not a question to be answered anymore i guess...
Lets get some rest tomorrow is another HUGE event day...
PS: Jes arh i'll be as busy as u are...so atleast i wont keep on making u "sneeze"(thinking of you)
And i remember my class is as such (SUNDAY 1st Nov) 12pm to 2.30pm BM i must do homework which now i have no time to do...
I will find maybe friday to finish it up or saturday night....
Last but most least... I miss you .....
Stupid eyes just stop shedding those tears... I've gotten use to all this pain aint i?


† Man Zai †

† Trying to get an ordinary love while fighting for an extraordinary income †

Well all i wanted and i am still praying for...
I thank god for giving me such a great lover...
She's special, kind, and most important she's the one that i fell for...

For now its been sometimes since I've tried to avoid her or is it she's been avoiding me...
I don't know..
But then i just hope that;
My love will be like both loving each other..
Thinking of another when we are tired or doing nothing..
Or just simply loving them with the heart of prepared to help them anytime?

Maybe i am stubborn but I guess the way i keep on telling her i love her have cause her alot of burden...
Actually after 1 night of thinking I've realized...
Even if i loved her its not necessary to tell her...
By telling her will only making her think more...
The burden she once told me will hold her back more...

So... for now... i can't let go of this love..
I don't know how long i can hold it but.. at least after her birthday i hope..
Its quite tiring to love a person when they dint want you to love...
But then i can say should be the last 1 ady bah..
If she'd accept me before i give up,
Then we might just go on in the future..
If she'd rejected on the day she fell in love with another guy then...
I'll just wait until another (one of the 200k person)to pass by...this time..
I will CONFIRM (where i wont put any feelings in 1st) not like i am with current one...
Then until confirm she want 4ever kinda stuff where we want to settle down no more fooling around..
That's what i wanted bah... simple easy and lovely.. which will last at least until i die?

For now i will focus on my career building bah...
Need to attend more and more appointments...working hard
Although hoped to have a person behind me providing some moral support..
A simple voice of the loved ones shall bring tons of energy to me i guess..

Although frankly to tell when u cant be with your loved ones...
Or being rejected is kinda hurt but... i guess
I've got used to it already...
The heart full of scars...
The love which once empty now filled..
Which is also one of my false move i guess..

But is loving a person a wrong thing to do?(Excellent question but who to answer?)
I was once told...
"Everyone in this world deserve the love inside your heart" what does that mean?
I got the meaning when i started to change myself...
Treating everyone similar to others...
The word i understand is that not only the 1 i fell for deserve all my love...
Even my friends and family should deserve them too..

We cant love if we keep on judging right? We cant learn if we don't make mistake...
All of these feelings is just something inside me...
In order to master it...
The changes which i once feared of...
Lots of books helped me on self development...
Thanks to all the authors...

My target is to make my group repeating sales within 4 months time where it allows me to...
earn RM5k per months...constantly...
Then will go for 20k after that per month... slowly increase..

Hit it then i will enjoy for awhile...
BALI Island HERE I COME!!!!!!!!
STAR WALK i will be there...
Penang Bridge RUN WA LAI LIAO!!
ALL CHIONG ARH!!!!!!!!
Nearly forgotten... Mr Kim's work i am coming also...

† Man Zai †

† Unconciously became a burden to somebody important †

Its been few months since i've decided not to give up..
But now the love that i once hold on tight have became a burden to the person..
The person whom i treated as important as my own life...
Now... knowing that the burden i've been for her all this while..
The heart pains...
The feeling of being your love'd one's burden...
This truely sucks..
Shall i give up? or i should hold on the love i have for her..
Because i still do love her... deeply..

All the thinking end up to me is that...
If I'd question GOD... I might ask...
Why do GOD give me the ability to foresee all types of possible future?
Why do GOD give me the ability to be able to connect to the spirit world?
If i were without these ability... wont she be more comfortable when she's with me?
I guess its not just that bah..

Including now her list in her mind is career & studies...
no more love.. well i respect that bah..
Allow me to reduce all types of burden that i've been creating for her then..
Its the most least i can do for her..
1stly she never accepts any helps..
She's face all types of hardship by herself..
She's been in the market now...
She can choose what type of guys she likes now..coz her price aint low..
I just cant hold her too tight then.. let her choose..
Respect her choice...
I know the chances of choosing me if i do so will be 0.000000001% but..
Should be worth while doing...
Being able to help her to reach the ladder of success..
Any type of sacrifices will be perfectly ok...
Still i hope she'll be with me in the future.... thats all i can say for now...

Since the decision being made...
I've successfully made her ignore me d..
I'll just let it be...
By making her ignoring me should be able to reduce alot of burden ady bah..
Hehe a capricorn really is able to make everything work according to his plan...
But then at the same time... My heart aches...
Dint know why... maybe if i do so... i'll lose her in the future..
Well its her choice not mine.
She already voice up she want to be free...
I'll give her freedom alright...
I'll just be there doing nothing..
With this no more burden, she can focus more yet, she's being able to be free...
Suits her right?

The hurt that i am facing... i've faced them b4...
No big deal... just another failure i suppose?
But then why is that everytime i'd love someone truely...
GOD will just create so much barriers for me to face?
To give me a test on my love life?
TO make our bonds together much more stronger?
Or.. just simply dint want me to fall in love?

PS: Its an answer that i will get after i die bah... hehe

Atleast for now... lets do my best to reduce every possible burden that once i've cause her to have in the past...

† Man Zai †

† How i hope you were there †

2 days already i'm in this pain and agony...
The problems and issues due to my failure of judging one person had caused me..
How i hope that you are right behind me holding me tight and say...
"Everything will be fine, I'll be right here supporting you"
"Must jia you owh...hehe" add on with a smile...

My brain nearly cracked due to the thinking of how to solve all this problem that i am facing.
Then unconsciously I've come through this which i should have not...
=.= why did i press it when my curiosity made me to...
Its the same thing she replied to me before...
Now it seems like she's already fallen for another guy? or its just an advise from her??

I just all of the sudden i felt... I've lost her...
But some times she makes me feel that i am still in her (Choice) list...
I wanted to be her one and only name on her (Choice) list....
but...
I dont know...

1st time ever when I'm not with her i got this uncertain feeling...
But still the box i kept inside my heart the love keeps spreading out from the box..
and slowly it had already filling up my empty heart again..

I wanted to cry...i wanted to lie down with someone,
All i wanted is someplace that i can feel it is home..
It is also a feeling that I've gain when I'm with her...
and only her can give me that feeling...
Just that i cant create more pressure for her.. so better keep this down and low..
I wont voice up...
My poker face is still on when its needed so no worries..

Seems like she's facing her own growing stage from teen to adult...
I face it b4 so all i can say is i know its hard but go for it and you'll make it ya?
Support will always be given... and thanks for replying my msg "and ignored some" its ok
i know you've been busy I'll sms u seldom k?
Or maybe you've fallen for another guy i don't know...
Anyway All the best for what you're up to ya?

I'd better bring out my "Sei Chang" attitude d...
Its not her fault nor her responsible to share or feel what i am facing now..
I cant bring her down too..
Its my feelings not hers...
Its the love that i had for her.. not the love she had for me..
All of this is my problem its time to be strong to face it all by my self again..

But then just now 5pm when i reach home...
I felt like i want to collapse..
Really did happen again selective "black out" mode...
I think this issue(the issue in my work part) have been causing me too much pain
I'd better solve it as soon as possible if not it will affect me...
And the most feared part is that my emotion will just affect her...
Which is something that i wouldn't want it to happen in the future...
Well Cheer up everyone... including me...
I CAN DO IT... SO CAN YOU(referring to the girl I'd fell for)...

Cant stop doing this and kept on felt sorry because scared that it might disturb her too much...
Still thinking of her so much...up until now...

-Man Zai-

† I just dont want to interfere anymore †

Its time to stop this relationship,
Time to hypnotize myself..
We are just friends...
Very close friends like she said..
I'd really like to continue but...
i scare she cant handle it...

Lets pause here...
See how it goes in the future...
Since there are so many choice for her now i cant be that selfish...
I wanted to be but... its just not fair for her..
Let her decide...

If in the future she still want to continue it with me then...
Lets create this as a password for us...

"I Love You"

Tell me from the bottom of your heart when u want it k?
I'll hide mine away deep deep inside my heart...
Wait you owh...

But then maximum i guess will wait you for 5 more months bah...

If its a no continue then i'll just give up...
I've stand up for this relationship and its not hard at all..
I felt joy, blisfulness, relax and laughter all the time...
Thanks for those sweet memories...
I'll keep those now...
continue to hold them back until u speak up the secret password...
Promise will be kept... even if the relationship have been (de-ranked) hehe
Cheers for you Jes...

-Man Zai-